Dear Delores,

I think we need to address what happened two nights ago. I am not angry at you, it is very important that you understand this. I know that my dear friend Katrin bothered you with her adorable laughter and ignited your spite with her happiness and zest for life. This is a pattern I've accepted with you. I respect your hatefulness. It is charming to a certain degree.

Ok, this is where it becomes difficult. I'm going to be direct. Katrin is the owner of your abusive mother and brother from long ago. You may very well have forgotten them. I fear that a part of your reaction the other night was fueled my their scent on her luggage. I know that you likely don't want to relive those dark days of your past. But unless we have an open dialogue about it, I fear that you will never emotionally grow past this childhood abuse and uncertainty.

Alright, that's it. I said it. We don't have to talk any longer about it. It's all about your comfort level, my love.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

Recently it has become a sincere regret of mine to have ever have had you spayed. I blindly followed the rituals of a new cat parent and believe me, I regret it. Gone now, are the dreams of having a Hemingway-style mansion filled with decades worth of your glorious spawn. Forgive me for my mistake.

I have been considering artificial insemination. Please don't be upset with me darling. I myself, was a test tube baby. And look at me now, a healthy adult with only minor defects. I think we have a lot to talk about, but darling, we have time.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

Next time you claw my face while I'm sleeping I am going to remove you claws with a rusty pliers.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I am very disappointed in you for attacking my guest last week. He is a very nice person. And the way you continually stole his coat and made a nest out of it stopped being cute after the third day. Baby, when you have feelings for someone you should just tell them openly, rather than play these little games and lashing out at them. I feel like you don't have a healthy outlet for some of your stronger emotions. I fear that this is my fault, that we were not expressive enough when you were just a little kitten.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I am very proud of you for not harming anyone while I was away. However, I do think it was a bit over the top when you chose to shat on my 200 dollar boots as a display of definace towards your caretaker. Next time, please just shit in my Chuck Taylors, they are much cheaper to replace. Thank you.

Sincerly,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

It makes me really uncomfortable when you watch me sleep. Especially when you sharpen your claws on my closet door. Would you mind considering resting in the living room now and again while I sleep, maybe just on the nights when I have a date spend the night?

Sincerely,
Kendra

P.S. I'm not sure if you are aware, my lover friends find it to be creepy when they wake up and you are hissing and licking their hair. Please stop doing that. I'm having a hard time getting second dates.

Dear Delores,

I'm leaving town for a few days soon. Don't worry, I will be coming back for you this time. There will be a strange man coming into my room to give you food and water. He has been warned about your general demeanor, but please, I beg of you, be gentle with him. I cannot afford to pay off any more hospital bills. Just at the very least, don't aim the the eyes. If you comply with my wishes, you may or may not be getting a cat nip stogie for christmas.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I hate when you growl. It is frightening. I especially don't like it when you growl at perceivably nothing at all. I'm beginning to think maybe that you see apparitions of the hellish sort. This makes me nervous.

Also, I must say, Lola, you are rapidly gaining weight. I think maybe you should go on a diet.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

You cannot eat your breakfast under the bed. I don't feel like explaining right now, but believe me, you don't want to. Please come out. I will put butter on your food if you come out. I feel like you are being stubborn and immature right now, Lola. You are five years old. Please act your age and come out from under the bed.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

Stop staring at me like that.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I would like you to know you really hurt my feelings this morning. Yes, I admit I flawed in my step and compromised the integrity of your tail, but I think that your reaction was a little over the top. I understood my mistake with your obnoxious scream. You could have stopped there. But no, you felt it a worthy score to scratch at my ankle and make that dreadful noise that sounds not unlike a truck with a seizing engine. Only to further display your irritance by glaring at me for the rest of the morning. Really, you could even have stopped there and things would have been fine. Did you really need to bite me as I pet you goodbye? I meant no offense; I was just offering a gesture of truce. Sometimes, Delores, I feel like we just aren’t communicating like we used to.

Also, I would appreciate it if you stopped burying my socks in your litter box. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kendra