Dear Delores,

It makes me really uncomfortable when you watch me sleep. Especially when you sharpen your claws on my closet door. Would you mind considering resting in the living room now and again while I sleep, maybe just on the nights when I have a date spend the night?

Sincerely,
Kendra

P.S. I'm not sure if you are aware, my lover friends find it to be creepy when they wake up and you are hissing and licking their hair. Please stop doing that. I'm having a hard time getting second dates.

Dear Delores,

I'm leaving town for a few days soon. Don't worry, I will be coming back for you this time. There will be a strange man coming into my room to give you food and water. He has been warned about your general demeanor, but please, I beg of you, be gentle with him. I cannot afford to pay off any more hospital bills. Just at the very least, don't aim the the eyes. If you comply with my wishes, you may or may not be getting a cat nip stogie for christmas.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I hate when you growl. It is frightening. I especially don't like it when you growl at perceivably nothing at all. I'm beginning to think maybe that you see apparitions of the hellish sort. This makes me nervous.

Also, I must say, Lola, you are rapidly gaining weight. I think maybe you should go on a diet.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

You cannot eat your breakfast under the bed. I don't feel like explaining right now, but believe me, you don't want to. Please come out. I will put butter on your food if you come out. I feel like you are being stubborn and immature right now, Lola. You are five years old. Please act your age and come out from under the bed.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

Stop staring at me like that.

Sincerely,
Kendra

Dear Delores,

I would like you to know you really hurt my feelings this morning. Yes, I admit I flawed in my step and compromised the integrity of your tail, but I think that your reaction was a little over the top. I understood my mistake with your obnoxious scream. You could have stopped there. But no, you felt it a worthy score to scratch at my ankle and make that dreadful noise that sounds not unlike a truck with a seizing engine. Only to further display your irritance by glaring at me for the rest of the morning. Really, you could even have stopped there and things would have been fine. Did you really need to bite me as I pet you goodbye? I meant no offense; I was just offering a gesture of truce. Sometimes, Delores, I feel like we just aren’t communicating like we used to.

Also, I would appreciate it if you stopped burying my socks in your litter box. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Kendra